Not Perfect, But Perfectly Valued and Loved

Do you have a verse of Scripture that just beats you up?  I sure do.  Mine is Matthew 5:48:  “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”  Those two simple words – “be perfect” – have defined me most of my life.  They have hung over me like a judge’s gavel getting ready to fall.  They have colored how I feel about myself and others.  They have influenced my decisions.  They have distanced me from God.  This is such a difficult verse for so many of us!  Perfectionism is all over our world.  We see it in social media.  We experience it as competition in sports, work, or even at home.  We order our entire view of the world by it.  So what is the deal with this verse anyhow?  Why would Jesus even say that?  Doesn’t He know we are all human?

The command to be perfect is not about checking every good deed off of a list.  It is about having the right heart.

Yes, of course He does.  The problem is that we forget we are sometimes.  Before we dive into that, though, let’s look at the context of this verse.  This verse is part of the Sermon on the Mount.  Jesus is speaking to Jews who live and breathe the law.  They are so focused on dotting every “i” and crossing every “t” that they don’t even think about where their heart is.  Jesus has just spent several verses telling them that they follow the words of the law, but their hearts are in the wrong place.  He has given vivid examples like the one about murder.  Murder is definitely against God’s law, and for most of us it is an easy one to avoid.  But Jesus says even if we keep the law, if our heart is full of anger, we are not walking with God.  He does the same thing talking about adultery and revenge and other laws. Right before the “be perfect” verse, Jesus is telling us that a right heart condition is to love everyone, even our enemies.  Then He tells us to be perfect like God is.  This statement is not about checking every good deed off of a list.  It is about having the right heart.

Paul was on a journey.

The word for perfect here is “teleioi”, and like many Greek words, it has a deeper meaning than what we see on the surface.  While the word means perfect, it means it in a way we don’t usually think of in English.  It means to be mature.  It implies that you have been in a process of becoming more grown up and complete.  It doesn’t mean that you suddenly have the ability to never make a mistake.  Paul uses this same word in 1 Corinthians 13 as he talks about knowing things only in part in this life, but having a perfect or complete knowledge of them in the next.  He is on a journey.  Complete perfection is impossible to achieve until the end when we are taken from this broken world to a state of completeness in the presence of God.  So Jesus knows that no one He is talking to will ever complete the process in this life.  He is demonstrating what maturity looks like.  He is telling us we should be striving for that.  But mostly He is telling us to make sure we have the right heart condition.  Only God can enter into our hearts and really start moving us to maturity and completeness.  We call this the process of sanctification.  And we and the rest of creation yearn for the day when it will be completed and we will be totally healed and restored.

We forget that Jesus wouldn’t have had to die if we could be perfect. 

But I didn’t understand all of that for most of my life.  I still struggle with it now – every day!  I call myself a recovering perfectionist because I struggle with that need to be perfect as much as an addict struggles with wanting their substance of choice.  And I know I am not alone in this.  I know many of you struggle with it, too.  We forget we cannot ever be as “good enough” as we feel like we should.  We forget that we were broken long ago in the Garden of Eden.  We forget that the serpent lied when he said we could be like God.  And we forget that Jesus wouldn’t have had to die if we could be perfect.  Ouch.  When I realized that, I was heartbroken.  Every time I think I can be perfect on my own, it is like I am telling Jesus that I didn’t really need His sacrifice on the cross.  I am denying the suffering and great love He offered me through grace.  I am making Him unnecessary.  And that is the last thing I want to do!

I am looking for my value in all the wrong places.

So why do I still struggle with it?  Why can’t I just accept the gift of grace and trust God and keep trying to mature as I go along?  Why do I beat myself up so much every time I am human and fall short?  I think it comes down to value.  I am looking for my value in all the wrong places.  I have all my life.  That is what a belief in good works as the way to God does for you.  Grace says, “Your value is in me, your Savior”.  Good works says, “Your value is in everyone else.”  Now please don’t misunderstand me.  I believe we should try to do good Christian things.  I believe that the Sermon on the Mount shows us what we should aim for.  But if we are under grace, we turn to the One who really is perfect to help us get there.  If we are under good works alone, we cut Him out of the equation and we start worrying about what we look like to other people.  Without Him, we have to – we have no other way to judge how well we are doing.  We start to compare ourselves to other people.  We start to crave their affirmations and praise.  And we hand our value over to them on a silver platter.  If you doubt that your value and your perfectionism come from other people, try an experiment.  Imagine just for a little while that you are the only person in the world.  Would you still try so hard and do so many things to seem put together and perfect?  Or would you breathe a big sigh of relief that for a short time you can let your hair down and just BE?

I feel valueless when I give the measure of my value to someone else.

I am an accomplished people-pleaser.  It is part of the perfectionist’s make-up.  I go around trying to make everyone happy.  I try to fix their emotions and their problems.  I try to right their wrongs and sooth their injustices.  I do it believing that I am being a good person.  I begin to think that if other people think that I am good, somehow God will, too.  And sometimes it even works.  It makes me feel valuable and loved and okay.  Until it doesn’t.  Until the time that they don’t cooperate.  Until the time that they start taking advantage of me.  Until the time that they don’t give me as much as I am giving them.  Or worst of all, until the time that they betray me.  And in those moments, my self-esteem is gone – crushed by the weight of failure.  I feel worthless, rejected, and resentful.  I feel valueless.  I feel valueless because I gave the measure of my value to someone else.

No one can value us more than God does.

We are all broken.  We all have empty holes inside of us wanting to be filled.  No human, no matter how supportive, will ever completely fill those holes and make us feel valuable.  No human can because no human really understands how God values us as our Creator.  No one can value us more than He does.  And settling for human acclaim keeps us from finding out just how much God does value us.  I spent so many years focused on trying to get people to like me so that I could feel good about myself, that I entirely lost who God intended me to be.  I lost myself in a sea of kind and good works.  I am on a journey right now of rediscovering myself – the me that exists outside of what anyone else wants or needs me to be.  The me that God wants me to be.  The me that is truly valuable – a pearl of great price.  I am not doing this in some “New Age”, “I am God”, “I am better than anyone else” sort of way.  Ironically, I can only do it by being very, very humble and emptied out.  I had to literally get to a place where God stripped everyone that I was trying to get my value from out of my life.  I had no choice but to turn to Him!  So I did.  In my case, it took the help of a talented and caring Christian counselor to get to the root of my need to get value from others.  I am so much better – and I can still help people and do good things.  I am just more conscious of it.  I have to make a conscious decision to search my heart first before I jump into assignments, commitments, relationships, and works.  Am I doing it with the right heart?  Am I pleasing God instead of people?  Yes, I want to help others and do good things.  But I want to do them through God and not against Him.  I want to do them in a way that is authentically me.

Mary quietly cherished the value that God had put on her. 

Let’s go back to the Sermon on the Mount.  Jesus was concerned about the heart condition of the people.  He was concerned that everything they did, including prayer, was about getting value from other people rather than connecting with Him.  We know that because a little later in the same sermon, Matthew 6:1, Jesus says, “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them.  If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.”   That phrase “in front of others” is the motto of the people-pleasing perfectionist.  I have started trying to do more without telling someone about it.  And if I am honest with you, it is so hard!  Everything I accomplish – every time I am able to help someone, I just want to share it.  I want to hear “Well done”.  I want to get my value from someone else.  But that is not what Jesus is telling me to do.  He is telling me to keep it between Him and me.  He is telling me to quit trying to get value from others.  I think of Mary, the mother of Jesus.  Can you imagine the temptation to go around and brag to everyone that she was the mother of the Messiah?  But let’s look at what the Bible said she did.  When the shepherds left the stable and then spread around the countryside talking about Jesus, did Mary jump in and relish the publicity?  No.  Luke 2:19 says, “But Mary treasured up all of these things and pondered them in her heart.”  She didn’t go out and soak up what everyone else was saying.  She just quietly cherished the value that God had put on her.  Let’s resolve to get our “well done” from God.

I get my value from the only One who is perfect enough to tell me who I am in a way that will never hurt or diminish me.

I am not perfect.  I am sick of trying to be.  All it does is hurt me and everyone around me.  I am becoming something so much better.  I am becoming authentic and real.  Oh, I still get my value from someone else – the One who created me.  I get it from the only One who is perfect enough to tell me who I am in a way that will never hurt or diminish me.  I am not perfect.  I mess up. I still crave love and affirmation.  I even need it – we all do.  It is normal.  But now I can learn to interact, serve, love, and be loved from a place of already having the highest value that I can: a forgiven, justified, saved daughter of my Father. Not ideal, but maturing.  Not perfect, but perfectly valued and loved.

I hope today’s message touched your heart, increased your understanding, and encouraged you.  Praying the peace and comfort of Christ Jesus on your life.

Have you struggled with perfectionism? Post your thoughts in the comments below.