David’s Solution to the Problem of Shame

Eventually, in every group of friends, it happens.  The discussion turns to our most embarrassing moments.  It is a way to connect – to learn more about each other and to share in each other’s human condition.  We swap stories of times that circumstances conspired to leave us red-faced and humiliated.  The one I most commonly share is the day in 6^th grade when I ripped the back of my pants as I sat down in class, only to have the teacher insist that I pass out papers.  When I tried to explain why I couldn’t, she just got angry.  So I walked up and down the rows of desks, trying to cover the rip with the handful of assignments as best I could, ultimately drawing more attention to my predicament.  I can still hear the snickers of the students.  And I can still feel the deep and terrible pain that the ridicule of classmates causes.  We have all experienced it.  I think that is why we get around to those discussions with our good friends.  We want to know that we are not alone in our shame.  We want to know there are others who know what the shame feels like, empathize with our hurting, and love us in spite of it all.  We get this wrong idea that we are the only ones who have ever felt less than, ridiculed, and devalued.  But we are not.  It can even happen to the king of Israel.

Shame is an emotion powerful enough to bring down a king.

I have been reading through a few psalms each day and recently read Psalm 25.  This is a psalm written by David, king of the entire nation of Israel and man after God’s own heart.  It was how he started the psalm that caught my attention.  In verse 2, he says, “I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.”  Not only does this plea appear in verse 2, he repeats it again at the end of the psalm in verse 20.  In fact, shame is mentioned in 31 of the Psalms, and 431 times in the Bible.  I have no idea at what point of his life David wrote this – I imagine it was probably while he was being chased by Saul or by his own son, Absalom.  But still, I was surprised to hear King David fear being put to shame.  He is so confident and powerful when we first meet him in the Bible – fearlessly going out as a boy to fight a giant, having already fought wild beasts out in the field.  And yet, the same person is now begging God to keep him from feeling an emotion – shame.  After all, that is what shame is – an emotion. It is, however, an emotion that is painful enough to bring down even a giant killer and a king.

Someone someday points out our brokenness and we become introduced to shame. 

So how does a confident young man who felt no fear in facing Goliath become a king who pleads to not be put to shame?  The same way it happens to all of us. The first time shame is mentioned in the Bible is in Genesis 2:25, where it tells us Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed.  They were completely content and secure until they sinned.  Then everything changed for them and for us.  The next thing we know, they are trying to cover themselves with fig leaves and hide away from God.  Shame had set it.  We are no different.  Toddlers know no shame.  They delight in escaping your grasp before you can diaper and dress them, and they run naked and unashamed.  They make silly faces, bodily noises, and face plants equally freely, crying only if physical pain is present, but otherwise perfectly content, secure, and unaware.  There is no body shaming, tightly controlled reactions, or embarrassment at perceived failure.  But at some point, we become aware that we are not perfect.  Someone someday points out our brokenness and we become introduced to shame.  We realize that we feel smaller than someone else – less than.  We grab on to that first fig leaf and begin to hide away a little part of who we are. 

Shame is not guilt.

Let’s look closer at the emotion of shame.  Let’s start with what shame is not.  Shame is not guilt.  Guilt is when we recognize that we have sinned against God and each other.  Sin means to miss the mark – we feel guilt when we miss the mark and fall short of how God wants us to behave.  It is less of an emotion and more of an agreement that we could do better.  In fact, that is what “confess” means – to agree.  We agree with those we hurt and with God that we messed up.  Then we move on and repair the relationship.  Guilt is healthy because it shows us where we can improve. 

Shame is not low self-esteem.

Also, shame is not low self-esteem.  Self-esteem is not a feeling – it is looking at ourselves and seeing our strengths and our weaknesses.  Shame focuses us on our weaknesses, but self-esteem simply points them out in the context of who we are as a whole person, including all of the things we get right.  David gives us a pretty good definition of shame later in this psalm.  In verses 15-19, he uses language like being in a snare, feeling lonely and afflicted, having an anguished and troubled heart, being distressed, and having numerous enemies who fiercely hate him.  It is like a checklist of what goes on in me when I am feeling an intense amount of shame. 

Shame can stop us in our tracks and remove us from the world.

When we experience shame, we lose the context.  We can no longer see the whole picture of who we are.  We become overwhelmed by emotion.  We get trapped in a snare – we get stuck in a hole of anguish and pain.  We enter into a state of distress, just like David.  We lose the ability to think clearly and go into panic mode.  We feel shame because someone has attacked who we are, or even worse, because we have attacked ourselves.  Our hearts are broken and we withdraw.  We feel like we are so much less than everyone else that we are totally alone.  We feel like if everyone knew our secret shame, they would become enemies who fiercely hate us, too.  We feel just like the king of Israel did, so long ago.  And we forget that everyone else feels the same way at times.  Shame is crippling and overpowering.  It can literally stop us in our tracks and remove us from the world.  It makes us cover ourselves with fig leaves and hide away from everyone – even God.

David talks of trust, hope, and truth. 

How can we combat an emotion so powerful that it turns a fearless boy into a cowering king?  Does David give us some insights into that as well?  He does.  Between verses 2 and 15, David not only pours his heart out to God and recommits his life to Him, he gives us a model of how God heals him.  It is a model that, if we could follow it with each other, we could bring so much relief from the silent, hidden pain that people carry with them.  David talks of trust, hope, and truth.  If we can build honest and real relationships with each other, setting aside the unhealthy ways we relate, we can have trust and hope that we will support each other and not intentionally cause shame. 

David talks about mercy, love, and not remembering sins. 

David also talks about mercy, love, and not remembering sins.  We need the mercy, love, and forgiveness of others, and we need to show mercy, love, and forgiveness.  Mercy, love, and forgiveness have a name – it is called compassion.  And compassion is the cure for shame.  If we can share our shame and find love and understanding in return, we can be healed.  Finally, David talks about being humble.  We cannot be compassionate unless we can be empathetic to others’ suffering.  And we cannot have empathy unless we can humbly admit that we ourselves struggle and feel less than and sometimes even fail.

Our part is to build each other up.

 I find it interesting that in many of the shame references in the Bible, it talks about God shaming the proud.  I believe this is an act of great love on God’s part.  He is trying to get people to be humble, first of all to turn to Him, and then to have empathy, compassion, and love for each other.  The act of shaming in the Bible is done only by God – He never tells us to shame each other.  We don’t know how to do it lovingly.  Only God knows that.  Only God is truly higher than us.  He is the only entity in the universe that we are truly completely less than.  God’s shame comes from God’s complete, unrelenting, and all-knowing love.  He can humble us without permanently hurting us.  He can humble us in a way that brings us closer to Him, rather than damaging us and causing us to withdraw.  Let’s commit to letting God do any shaming that needs to occur.  Let’s remember that our part is to build each other up.

The cure for shame is compassion.

If you have been hurt and held back for too many years by inner shame – by a feeling that you are just too much less than or too broken for others, take hope and grab onto the courage of David.  Dare to keep trying.  The cure for shame is compassion.  But we cannot have compassion for each other if we do not share our stories with each other.  It is hard to be that vulnerable.  I get it.  I feel it sometimes when I post a blog.  I wonder what you all will think and fear how you will see me.  I am human.  But I so want people to begin to open up.  Only by sharing who we really are and loving each other because of it will we combat this society where ridicule and name-calling get a million hits on social media.  Don’t throw pearls to the swine who will use it to abuse you.  Find those you can trust and who love you.  Start by sharing a little bit deeper part of yourself.  Invite them to share about themselves, too, and embrace what they share with empathy and compassion.  Admire each other for the courage that the sharing took.

God knows the healing power of compassion, empathy, and love shared both ways between people. 

Finally, we need to remember that David was having his conversation with God, not with others.  As much as it is important to share with others, it is more important to share with God.  He knows the depths of the pain in your heart.  He saw and heard every shaming word and action.  He is the great healer and He wants you to hand Him your pain.  It is okay to pray to Him, like David did, to have Him protect you from shame.  It is also okay for you to pray to Him to help you find those people with whom you can share your innermost self safely.  He built us to be in community.  He said when he created Adam that it was not good for man to be alone.  He knows that the way to become more immune to shame and better able to stop that spiral of self-hatred is to open up with others and be loved for it.  He knows the healing power of compassion, empathy, and love shared both ways between people.  After all, it is what He models in His relationship with us every day. Let’s commit to being more of God’s model of compassion with the ones we do life with today.

I hope today’s message touched your heart, increased your understanding, and encouraged you.  Praying the peace and comfort of Christ Jesus on your life.