Inspiration or Aspiration: Finding Myself in God

I am on a journey to find myself.  Oh, there is a version of me, but it is one that was shaped by years of meeting the needs of everyone else.  I lost myself somewhere in the years of taking care of family members.  I know a lot of you have experienced that, as well.  Looking back, it wasn’t a bad thing.  I was doing something loving and honorable.  I just did it so much that I ceased to be in touch with the me that God created.  I am trying to find her – that little girl that hadn’t yet been worn down and changed and disappointed by the broken world.  The little girl that God created so carefully in the womb. 

I was jumping into a sea of voices, all telling me their vision of what I should be. 

It sounded so easy.  Just reconnect with the talents God gave me, the activities that I enjoy, and the people out there ready to connect with me.  I jumped into finding what my new norm was with optimism and a sense of adventure.  What I didn’t realize was that I was jumping into a sea of voices, all telling me their vision of what I should be.  Some of those voices were even inside of me.  Just because I decided to discover the best me didn’t mean that all of the old habits inside of me immediately disappeared.  All of those voices that told me to over-achieve and to be more perfect and to just keep doing didn’t vacate my inner house just because I wanted to move a better me in.  I had followed those voices for so many years that I couldn’t even imagine what a different voice would sound like.  I was so confused that I started listening to what everyone else saw me as, just to get somewhere to start.  And that only made it more confusing – everyone had a different vision!

The quietest voice in the group was God’s. 

The hardest part was that the quietest voice in the group was God’s.  I soon realized that the quest to find myself wasn’t really about finding me.  It was about finding what God had to say about me and to me.  Finding myself on my own would be finding my aspirations – chasing my dreams, looking for success, having more, doing it all.  It would be an exhausting race from one experience to another, trying to find something that made me feel whole and authentic.  Would I find things that were really the best me?  Sure, off and on.  But I would also stumble and waste energy on the wrong things and the wrong people.  I would follow the wrong voices and wind up at dead ends.  I know this because I spent some time doing it.  And it was exhausting.  I didn’t need aspirations.  I needed inspiration and I needed it from God.  The problem was I couldn’t hear Him over everybody else.  In 1 Kings 19:11-12, God talks to Elijah in a still, small voice. I think He does that on purpose.  Sometimes when everybody else is shouting, the quiet voice is the one that grabs your attention.

In order to hear God, sometimes you have to get away from all of the other voices. 

In order to hear God, sometimes you have to get away from all of the other voices.  Often that means getting by yourself for a while.  It cuts out all of the loving but confusing advice.  It also cuts out all of the unintentional expectations that people put on you.  It removes all of the distractions of building and maintaining relationships, where you are always in a state of pleasing the other person as much as thinking about yourself.  Relationships are wonderful, necessary, and deserving of time and effort, but when you are trying to hear God, all of the time and thought that relationships need can take up too much space.  We really need to set aside some time to be alone with Him – every day if possible, even if for just a few minutes.  Psalm 46:10 is famous:  “Be still and know that I am God.”  We think of this as a verse about being calm and having faith when we are anxious.  And it is.  But maybe it is also a verse about getting alone and quiet with God so we can know Him better.

All of a sudden, you face all of the thoughts inside yourself that you can’t hear when you are busy with someone else. 

Quiet doesn’t just let you know God better.  Being alone also brings up all of the voices inside of you.  I had a hard time being alone at first.  I wasn’t used to it.  I never got to have time alone when I was caretaking.  In fact, I used to crave it.  But time alone is very quiet and a brain that is used to lots of voices and activity is going to try to fill in that quiet.  All of a sudden, you face all of the thoughts inside yourself that you can’t hear when you are busy with someone else.  One of the strongest voices inside me was that the time I spent alone with God was a waste.  I should be out there working for Him, not sitting silently contemplating Him.  I was Martha in the New Testament – getting dinner ready and serving it to make sure Jesus was taken care of.  I wasn’t comfortable being Mary and sitting at His feet just listening.  It took some practice to still my mind enough to sit with God.  Lots of deep breathing.  Lots of prayer.  Lots of “taking my thoughts captive” and trying to feel God’s presence.  Lots of Bible time.

I never got an answer from God in those times of quiet. 

What made it even harder to make time for Him was the realization that I never got an answer from God in those times of quiet.  It didn’t make sense.  Here I was setting time aside to hear God’s voice and I never heard it in those moments.  I never got any amazing flashes of inspiration about what my calling was or who should be walking with me or even what my next career should be.  Not in those moments.  I just got quiet and a lot of time focusing myself on Him. 

Those times of quiet were the times when I learned to sort out the voices that weren’t God. 

What I understand only now, looking backward, is that those times of quiet were the times when I learned to sort out the voices that weren’t God.  It was in one of those moments of quiet that I realized that I felt a lot of pressure to create some sort of huge ministry because I thought that was what other people expected of me.  When I realized it, I could let that pressure go.  I released myself from trying so hard to find something big.  Then I could appreciate all of the small ways that God was using me.  I began to find joy in the everyday things that I was already doing.  I took a few steps towards finding myself. 

I was moving closer to being who God designed me to be.

It was also in one of those quiet moments that I realized that I was terrified of disappointing God.  It was an inner voice that kept telling me that if I wasn’t serving God to the point of hurting, then I wasn’t doing enough.  It was a voice from the past, when I was taught that I had to do everything I could to earn God’s love and salvation.  The quiet time allowed me to realize that this voice – one that I thought I had put behind me – was still driving me to work to exhaustion trying to find “God’s plan”.  I realized that I didn’t have to work so hard to find God’s plan.  I already had so many moments when God would place something right in front of me that turned out to be wonderful.  God’s plan would find me.  I was moving closer to being who God designed me to be.

I realized that there were things in my life that were absolutely draining my energy.

It was also during one of those quiet times that I realized how to tell if something was my own mistaken aspiration from listening to someone else’s voice, or His inspiration to bring me closer to being the best me.  I realized that there were things in my life that were absolutely draining my energy.  I dreaded them and stressed about them and yet felt obligated to do them.  One of those things was planting a big garden.  It was something my family had always done for as long as I could remember.  It was something I continued as I was caregiving because it was important to the person I was caring for.  And I continued to do it for a few years after that person died.  In the quiet space, I realized I didn’t enjoy it.  I love nature, but I don’t love gardening.  Who knew?  This summer I skipped the garden and it has been so liberating.  Being an amazing green-thumb gardener was an aspiration I had because it had been important to someone else that I didn’t want to disappoint.  But it was never me. 

I also realized there were things in this life that energize me and make me excited.

On the other hand, I also realized there were things in this life that energize me and make me excited.  One of those is speaking and giving classes.  I knew I liked to teach others and I have never been afraid of public speaking.  I just didn’t realize how much getting up in front of an audience of adults and sharing something with them that helps them fills me with energy and excitement.  I recently did some long workshops.   I left those with more energy than when I walked in.  It was never something I even envisioned myself doing.  I had taught middle school for years, but that is different.  I never thought I would become a public speaker.  I can’t tell the future, but I am seeing more opportunities to speak coming up.  I think it is something that is part of the best me.  I think there is some God inspiration in it.  I know this because of the way it fills me with joy and because the opportunities to do it pop up unexpectedly sometimes.  I am not saying it will all be easy.  There will be fear, disappointments, hard work, and sacrifice.  But there will also be enjoyment, fulfilment, and energy.  You will leave better than when you came in.  That is part of why Jesus said His burden was easy and His yoke light.

Don’t believe every voice that you hear.

I think that is what John meant when he talked about testing the spirits in 1 John 4:1. Don’t believe every voice that you hear.  If they are good, then they will produce good fruit.  A calling – that set of skills, talents, and abilities that God uniquely gifted you with – should excite you, build you up, bring you joy, and bring good to others.  Then it is from God because it is good.  God is good and He wants good for us and others, even in serving Him.  But if your goals and aspirations – the things that take up your time – wear you out, make you depressed, distance you from God, and make you a version of yourself you don’t like, then that is not God.  He is not in the business of beating down His children who are sincerely trying to follow Him.

If you are walking with God and spending time with Him on a regular basis, you are already on the right path to encounter His plans.

It was in the quiet spaces that I learned to listen to my own heart and my spirit – the one the God gave me.  It was in the quiet that I started to learn to discern the best path for me in the midst of all of the voices telling me which way to turn.  I think all of those things I learned in the quiet times were God’s voice.  It came not as answers to the choices I needed to make, but rather as inspiration to know myself so that the answers became clear. It was in the quiet that I learned that God sometimes reveals His will by putting it right in front of you and making you excited to run into it.  I do believe in praying to hear God’s voice in decisions.  And I do believe that there will be moments when God makes His will known very loudly.  I have had that happen on a couple of occasions.  But God is not only a God that speaks.  God is a God that moves.  It isn’t always about listening for His direct order.  Sometimes it is having the faith to know that on any given day, God could place something right in front of you  – something amazing and uplifting and uniquely designed for you.  If you are walking with Him and spending time with Him on a regular basis, you are already on the right path to have that encounter.  And you are already learning to hear the voice of the best you that will be overjoyed when you hit that part of your journey.

I hope today’s message touched your heart, increased your understanding, and encouraged you.  Praying the peace and comfort of Christ Jesus on your life.