Sharing Our Stories Safely

I just got back from attending a writer’s conference for Christian women.  In the three days of the conference, I met so many beautiful women from all over the country.  I heard amazing stories of pain overcome, wisdom gained, and hope fulfilled.  I also heard stories of faith in the midst of ongoing suffering, joy in current seasons of loss, and peace in the middle of chaotic circumstances.  As much as I enjoyed the classes and participating in worship, the biggest thing I walked away with was an overwhelming picture of God’s tapestry for humanity.

So many stories – hundreds of them – and each one with a place and a purpose that went beyond the pain.

Each story I heard touched my heart and many even brought tears to my eyes.  But the amazing thing was how different they all were in very specific ways.  Even people who were suffering from the same type of loss or pain had very different wisdom and perspectives to share with the world.  So many stories – hundreds of them – and each one with a place and a purpose that went beyond the pain.  God is equipping people to serve and share in every possible aspect of the human experience.  No pain will go to waste with Him and He is for us.  Psalm 118:6 tells us, “The Lord is for me; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”  And Romans 8:28 tells us, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Every single woman I met and talked to had something unique and new and inspiring.

One of the difficult times in the life of a developing writer is the doubt that what you are doing matters.  Whatever topic you have to share with the world has already been covered multiple times by others.  You wonder what in the world could you possibly contribute?  What new wisdom or insight could someone like you possibly hope to share?  And yet every single woman I met and talked to had something unique and new and inspiring. 

It is not only the big remarkable stories that move people and change lives.

This is not just an issue for writers.  I have heard so many Christians wonder if they have a value and a purpose outside of their little circle of family and friends.  They think no one will benefit from what they have to say.  They think no one will be touched by what they have experienced.  They think whatever gifts they have are already being shared by others who are so much better at it.  I feel that way all the time, too.  It is a lie straight from the enemy of our souls.  Do you think you are too old to have value anymore?  Or that you are just a homemaker without lots of education or job experience?  Or that you have just plain led a boring life and that you have no talent?  Sweet friend, I just sat with hundreds of women – young and old, educated and dropped out, home bodies and travelers.  I did not find a single person who bored me, failed to inspire me, or left me wondering why they existed.  Even the ones who had no idea why they were there or what on earth they could ever contribute had stories that the world needed to hear.  It is not only the big remarkable stories that move people and change lives.  Sometimes stories that are about that one single moment or that one isolated experience or that one gift have more power in them precisely because they are normal and relatable and real.

Why have we learned so deeply and completely to hide our stories? 

Why have we learned so deeply and completely to hide our stories?  What is it that makes us ashamed of our own unique humanity?  Why do we squash and smother the very things that make us different, real, and valuable?  For me, it was the early ridicule.  Those times as a child or teenager when I dared to be me and the insecure people around me couldn’t stand the uniqueness.  The laughter at my expense or the rude name that spread through the group.  Even as an adult, the memories of that shame want to keep me small.    My heart hurts when I think of all of the beautiful stories, insights, and experiences that remain locked inside people.  I grieve the beauty, wisdom, and light that the world will never see because of shame.

We need to share our stories more.  And while we are doing that, we need to become safe places to hear those stories. 

What is the remedy?  How can we cure the epidemic of shamed silence?  How can we share our stories with safety and confidence?  Unfortunately, the best cure is to do the very thing we are all struggling with.  We need to get vulnerable and real. We need to share our stories more.  And while we are doing that, we need to become safe places to hear those stories.  Perhaps more beautiful even than hearing the stories was watching the people who listened to the stories of others.  They took a few moments out of the craziness to just be still and be present.  They maintained eye contact, nodded, smiled, and sometimes even cried along with the person sharing.  They asked questions and explained how the other person’s story was changing and inspiring them.  They set aside their own need to be the center of attention or the one being praised and affirmed in order to witness the story of another.  They created just a few moments of safety and love. 

It was like watching a light begin to dawn in them and grow to a brilliant beam. 

As I would watch these interactions, it was often like watching a flower bloom.  People would start with the shallow small talk: “Where are you from?” or “What brought you to this conference?”.  Then someone would ask someone else what they were writing about.  You could just see the anxiety kick in, because that question would require sharing the story.  A few details would come out.  But as the person sharing saw that the listener was really focused on them and interested, they would visibly relax.  Pretty soon they were sharing the deepest, most real parts of themselves with complete confidence and honesty.  It was like watching a light begin to dawn in them and grow to a brilliant beam. 

Imagine if, instead of talking about the weather or sports or TV shows, we could talk about our hearts and minds and souls? 

In some ways, a writer’s conference is so much easier to learn to be real, vulnerable, and open in.  After all, the people you talk to are complete strangers.  You will likely never see most of them again.  They are not going to spread anything you said to others in your community or snub you at the grocery store when they see you.  Plus, it is a group of writers – we are there because we all have committed to sharing the stories of our lives!  But what if we could create those experiences in the world in general? Imagine if, instead of talking about the weather or sports or TV shows, we could talk about our hearts and minds and souls?   And imagine how it would feel to share those things and receive real interest, affirmation, and acceptance in return. 

It is not going to change in a day.  But it can change.

It would be nice if we could just start out doing this – being more real and vulnerable with each other and more safe and receptive in return.  But we don’t have that kind of society anymore.  We have societies where everyone wants to talk and no one wants to listen.  And everyone only wants to talk about how bad others are, not about who they really are inside.  We have learned to talk much and loudly about everything but the things that really matter – our hearts and souls.  That is not going to change in a day.  But it can change. 

It is connecting at a heart level.

One possible step is something I recently heard about: confessional communities.  Yes, I know – anything with the word “confession” makes me want to run away as fast as I can.  But this is not a place where you confess your sins to everyone.  It is a place where you confess that you are just as scared and embarrassed and totally unsure of yourself as everyone else.  It basically is the idea that there are people who form a group where they decide they are going to be honest and non-judgmental with each other – intentionally.  They commit to being a safe space for each other and to being consistent in gathering together.  It is deeper than the casual, saw-your-pictures-on-Facebook friendships we seem to be settling for these days.  It is connecting at a heart level.

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)

I love the idea of what they are trying to accomplish.  I think God loves it too.  He says, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)  That is what these communities are doing – allowing each other to share the stories and pain of life so that burdens can be eased, life lessons can be learned, and strong connections without judgment can be built.  But the part that saddens me is that people are so disconnected these days that they have to intentionally form groups to have this experience. 

What would the world be like if we could all find safe places and safe people who want to hear the stories of who we are, and who want to learn from the lessons of our lives, and who want to see and know us deeply? 

What would the world be like if we could all find safe places and safe people who want to hear the stories of who we are, and who want to learn from the lessons of our lives, and who want to see and know us deeply?  What if our family and friend relationships could develop more of this?  What if our church bodies could foster this?  What if every person we walk with on this path of life could be in confessional community with us – open, honest, deep, and accepting?  Sounds a little bit like what I think heaven would be.  How about if we start intentionally trying to get closer to that today?  How about if we find one person today, stop, and actually listen with interest to the story they have to share?  We might be surprised at what it does to enrich and encourage both of us.

I hope today’s message touched your heart, increased your understanding, and encouraged you.  Praying the peace and comfort of Christ Jesus on your life.