Sometimes the Most Courageous Thing You Can Do Is Nothing

I have a hard time doing nothing.  It feels lazy or irresponsible.  It feels like I am letting others or God down because I am not serving or helping or producing.  It feels like I am letting myself down.  So I look for what to do.  Where can I serve?  Who can I help?  What relationship do I need to tend to?  How many scripture verses do I need to study?  I am usually in full-on Martha mode, serving and getting angry when I see Mary sitting at the feet of Jesus.  Part of that is just me.  It is what I have always done.  I learned early on that the way to be safe and loved was to achieve and to sacrifice myself. 

Industry and resourcefulness and grit and determination are all good.  Just not when it comes between us and our God.

But part of it is not me.  Part of it is the culture around me.  The United States, at least historically, has a culture of always doing more, being more, and experiencing more.  There are other parts of the world that are not that way – places where a two-hour nap in the middle of the day is built into your work schedule.  Or places where silence and solitude are expected privileges.  Please don’t misunderstand – I am not complaining about our country.  I love the United States.  The decades of American get-up-and-go have produced wondrous things.  Industry and resourcefulness and grit and determination are all good.  Just not when it comes between us and our God.

I got caught up in the doing and the serving and the having. 

So what am I getting at here?  I realized one day that I was trying so hard to have the experience with God that others tell me I should have, that I was missing out on really experiencing Him.  I got caught up in the doing and the serving and the having.   I was grasping and struggling to find God’s calling on my life (a very Christianese idea).  I was looking for the work that He had for me that was going to make my life fulfilling and worthwhile – meaningful.  I was seeking to experience Him and His guidance and His voice every day in every decision.  I was pouring 100% of myself into anything church related that was put in front of me.  I ended up confused, exhausted, frustrated, and feeling distanced from God.  How could that be?  I was striving with my whole heart to follow Him.  How had I ended up in this place?

You feel like you have to be extraordinary somehow. 

There were so many things going on.  First of all, I let the well-intended encouragement and advice of friends become an expectation that was more than I could live up to.  I am not a pastor, nor do I have any desire to be, but I think pastors experience this, too.  The minute you say you are devoting your life to ministry, whether as a missionary, pastor, teacher, servant, or any other role, you suddenly draw a lot of attention.  People are curious.  People are excited to see one of their own “set apart” by God.  People are enthusiastic.  And people suddenly see you as someone who has it all put together and as a role model of sorts.   The pressure can get to you.  Suddenly, you feel like you have to be extraordinary somehow.  That you can’t struggle and get depressed or lonely or tired.  You have to always be the beacon on the hill, when inside your flame may be flickering that day.  The phrase well-meaning people said to me that put the most pressure on me was, “I can’t wait to see what God does with you.”  I know they were saying it in love and support, but I heard it as, “You mean He isn’t doing anything of value with me now?  I better step up my game.”  I am not blaming people – they were intending to be supportive.  I am saying I was totally unprepared for the expectations and pressure.

It is how we feel about all of the good things that is the problem.

Next, there was my own self-doubt.  Having grown up feeling like I had to earn God’s love and grace, as well as the love of other people, I never felt like I was doing enough.  I needed affirmation that I was on the right track.  I needed to know that what I was doing was pleasing to God.  I needed to have experiences with Him to let me know I was enough for Him.  It is that old works-based mentality.  And we all have it.  We live for the moments when we feel a warm glow from helping someone in need because it feels like we are doing good to others and thereby pleasing God.  We grasp tightly those moments when something we did or said or taught has an impact on someone else and they thank us for it because it is proof that we have produced for God.  We feel peace and satisfaction when we actually sit down and do the Bible study and prayer time as long and as deeply as we feel we need to, because we are putting in the effort to maintain our relationship with God.  Do you see the problem here?  It is not any of these things we do – they are all good and they are all Christian and they are all important.  It is how we feel about them that is the problem.  We don’t really do them purely because it comes from the heart.  There is always that little bit of need to be producing and achieving.  Or at least that was my experience, and I believe many of you, if you are honest, are the same way.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in pleasing and serving God that we get no time to feel how pleased with us He already is. 

Finally, there was my relationship with God.  It is a good thing that God is as big and powerful and full of love and patience as He is, because if not, I am pretty sure I would have totally exhausted Him by now.  Talk about co-dependent relationships!  I know I am safe and will be in heaven solely because of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.  I have accepted Him as my Savior and know I am cleansed by the blood He shed.  No problems there.  But I have been so afraid that I am not walking the path that God wants for me, or doing the things He wants from me enough, or sharing about Him to people enough.  It is that old fear that when I die, I will not hear “Well done” but instead how disappointed He was in me. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in pleasing and serving God that we get no time to feel how pleased with us He already is.  So I started to develop this fear of making decisions without having some sort of assurance or sign that it is what God wanted from me.  I was afraid to say no to anything, just in case that might be one of the things He wanted me to say yes to.  I begged for guidance.  I begged for clarity.  I begged to know His will.  And I didn’t get any of that.  Why?  Because He knew that it was the last thing I needed at that time.

God is a God of waiting.  He reveals what He desires in His timing, and very seldom does His timing ever match with ours.

I don’t know how many other people feel that way sometimes.  But I know that we have all had our times when we lacked clarity and wanted so much to hear from God.  And as the Bible shows us, God is a God of waiting.  He reveals what He desires in His timing, and very seldom does His timing ever match with ours.  And without that guidance, we can get in this crazy-making frame of mind where we start to obsess a little over what to do as we have to wait.  Because, like I said, we are people who thrive on doing, serving, and producing.  And some of us, like me, are worse about it than others!

I have been learning about a new type of courage.

Slowly, I have been learning about a new type of courage.  We think of courage as action – jumping into a burning house to save someone, or standing up and voicing a truth to a group of people who don’t agree with us.  But there is a type of courage that is sometimes harder.  It is the courage to take no action.  At least for a while.  It is the courage to say, “I have filled my life up with so much stuff and so much busyness that it is hurting me.”  It is the courage to step away from all the things that people have come to expect from you long enough to figure out what you can honestly and sustainably give.  It is the courage to get your value not from what you do or what you achieve, but merely because you exist.  It is the courage to realize that God loves you completely and intensely even if you are completely inactive.  It is courageous because it is an act of deep trust.

It takes a trust I have never had to have before. 

I have had to walk away from a lot of things right now.  It takes a trust I have never had to have before.  I have to trust that my friends and family will care about me even if I have to say no to things they want me to say yes to.  I have to trust that they will understand that it is not about how I feel about them , but a matter of finding what I have the capacity for in the long-term.  It takes trust to know that if I set something aside that I shouldn’t have, God will still love me and I will find other opportunities.  It takes trust to know that if I can’t help or serve or lift up everyone, others will step in.  It takes the most trust to know that no matter what I choose to do or not do, God already knows.  He has already seen every choice and decision and mistake and triumph of every minute until the day I die.  And He saved me anyhow.  It is the courage to know that, as long as my heart belongs to God, I cannot do anything so badly or mess anything up so completely that He will love me any less. 

I am curious and excited to see what my life looks like on the other side of this time. 

So for now, I am taking a little while to have the courage do nothing.  Oh sure – I have necessities I have to do daily.  I am just taking a break from some of the other stuff.  I am taking a break from expectations.  From opportunities to make myself valuable.  From experiences that make me feel worthwhile.  I am having the courage to just sit down more and see what God has in the midst of inactivity.  It is incredibly hard.  The guilt of not being there for others is strong.  The fear of disappointing others is strong.  The doubt that anything will actually become clear because of this is strong.  That is why it is an act of courage.  But already, my heart is being reminded that God even already knew I would do this.  And He loves me and rejoices over me anyhow.  I am curious and excited to see what my life looks like on the other side of this time.  I will keep you posted.

I hope today’s message touched your heart, increased your understanding, and encouraged you.  Praying the peace and comfort of Christ Jesus on your life.

Postscript:  I wrote this a few weeks ago.  And I spent time doing just what I said.  The amazing thing is that as I gave up some things for a while, the clarity about what was important and the direction I was going in my life increased.  I can now say with certainty that when you stop doing so much of everything for a while, and take the time to let God rest your mind and take your fears and pressures, He will make the best directions in your life clear.  We serve an awesome and loving God.  I hope He fills your mind with clarity too.